You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
