Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
