she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize