Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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