I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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