You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
