I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
