apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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