you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
