I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
