Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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