YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
