just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
