is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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