Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
