So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
