I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
