Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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