he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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