I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
