dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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