then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
