sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
