Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
