even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
