I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
