No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize