A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think I won the penis lottery.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
