I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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