i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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