Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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