i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Someone signed my nipple.
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