Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
