its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
