The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
