so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
