grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
