On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
