p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
