Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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