Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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