he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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