oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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