ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
