My balls are so social today.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
