fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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