Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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