I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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