butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
