I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
