i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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