I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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