why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
