My friends, they love my intelligence
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
